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Marilyn

My name is Marilyn and am a 36 year old women. I am currently a full time student studying business administration and socio-economics. Although I am currently enrolled in a massage therapy course online. I prefer to offer body rubs over massage. It is my belief that massage is very formal and can create an atmosphere that does not allow clients to completely relax and receive the full benefits of the services they sought. I enjoy long refreshing walks, working out, and movies. I am also a mom and I am currently remodeling my home.

The Truth


Sometimes it is all that matters

Feb 10 - 11, 2018

“How Long is forever?” asked Alice. “Sometimes, just one second,” answered the White Rabbit. – Alice in Wonderland by Carlos Lewis. If forever is sometimes just one second , then the 94,608,000 seconds I have spent being in love with Smiley must be on the other side of eternity. On February 10, 2018 I traveled the towards the The Kid Rock Concert. The concert was merely an elaborate guise meant to coerce my love into being in the same place at the same time as me. I had spent month’s planning I not sure which parties involved fate or Smiley’s daughter Charlsey. During the time we were together Smiley had often talked about taking his daughter to a Kid Rock Concert when she was still a girl. Then as Fate would have it I saw Charlsey repost on Facebook the upcoming Kid Rock Concert. On one of my many trips to South Carolina I asked Charlsey if she actually wanted to go to the upcoming Kid Rock Concert. Now I am continuously amazed by the kid like manner of his now 27 year old daughter, Charlsey. I response to my question her face lit up like a child about to receive a much anticipated Christmas gift. Excitedly she replied, “Yes.” “Ok” I stated, “but this isn’t free. I’ll take you to the Kid Rock Concert if you do something for me.” I paused inhaled and said, “I need you to send your dad a ticket to the concert and ask him to pick you up.” I stopped expecting her to hesitate given my request but she did not. I went on to explain that I just needed to see him so I could talk to him. That I need to see him face to face so I could try to understand how he could just walk out the door after the two and half years we had spent in love as a family. Instead she eagerly agreed only concert. She laughed and said, “I’m pimping my dad out to go to the Kids Rock Concert.” She rattled off concerns about him knowing she wouldn’t have the money for something like this. I addressed her concerns saying, “When your dad asks and we both know he will say Lisa saw it in my Facebook feed and offered to cover the trip and related expenses if I went with you.”

As I drove towards my quest for the truth, everything between here and there were merely objects in passing, unknowable and indistinguishable. Cars blurred by disappearing in my peripheral vision like the car from Back to the Future . Headlights passed like unidentifiable driving objects. I was swallowed whole in a sea of motions that had dragged my soul far from my tangible physical form driving towards Charlotte . The gray overcast day, as I watched the rain become rivulets of tear s streaming from the corner of my wiper blades . How cruel God was to mirror my feelings back at me? How generous of God to make me aware that my sorrow was shared by the Heavens? There have been many moments such as these in the eight months since me and my love had seen one another. When he left the world was consumed in a dark murky haze of gray. The heavens stopped time, the fog that held my world hostage in time. My tears fell and my body heaved heavily as the tears poured down from Heaven. I know from the deepest depths of my being the Heavens cried with me. The deep profound sorrow for the gift of love God had given us had been carelessly discarded by my love like yesterday’s news. Every trip I have taken was a journey toward the truth somewhere between us and each journey had been met with this gray murky mourning, tears from Heaven, and my own profound sadness. How is it possible that from Virginia to the Carolinas , every time I traveled between our worlds , they had been joined together by the sullen haze that consumed the 496 miles between us?

I closed the miles between Richmond, VA and Charlotte, NC with nothing to distract me from the thoughts of us and the 94,608,000 seconds between us, I tried to push my quest for the truth back . The truth I sought swam through my mind like fish. in the ocean Like fish, the truth scattered every time I got close, slipping through my fingers when I managed to get close enough to grasp it . Unfortunately, , it is a long drive between here and there and I had stopped to grab a bite to eat and have a super-sized drink. Although I wished desperately not to stop as I had intentionally made myself late, I had tried to avoid seeing my love before the concert. I had to make a pit stop, finally ; along the route was an exit with service stations and fast food. I got off the exit, waiting at what seemed like the longest light in the history of mankind, my green light turned red because of oncoming traffic where I needed to make u-turn to the nearest service station . Overjoyed at my arrival , I pulled up to find the restrooms out of service. “Seriously?” I thought . Desperately looking for some place to go that did not require me to pass the exit back to my destination. I found a Dunkin Doughnuts across the street. I prayed vigorously that it had a public restroom inside as I walked from my vehicle. To my great relief there was. I hurried to the ladies ’ room, washed my hands and rushed back to the car.

Looking at the time , I sighed. How could one little excursion cost you twenty minutes ? I picked up my phone and asked my phone to text my loves daughter , “I had to stop and use the restroom. I don’t want to hold y’all up; please go to the concert ahead of me and I will meet you there. I will need to checkin . I’ll need a moment to decompress from my long drive.” I needed a moment to myself, just a few minutes to breath. I got a text back, “No it’s ok we will wait for you and leave together.” I exhale, exasperated and stressed , then the phone rung. Really I think as I answer the phone in frustration. It is my love “Hey, we can wait for you and all go together.” Again I repeat what I had said in the text. Then my love responds, “It’s ok we can miss the preshow. Come meet us at the bar when you get here.” Then he goes on to explain that getting to the hotel is slightly complicated and he ended up going the wrong way on a one-way street. I was suddenly sobered from the countless hours of meandering through my feelings , lost in my thoughts. It seemed no time at all passed after our call had ended before I arrived at our hotel. I waited patiently for the valet and then luggage assistance. Upon check-in I complained about the hotel screwing up our reservations and not letting him checkin to our room. Once in my room I texted my love and his daughter that I had arrived and gave them my room number. Next thing I knew his daughter was calling me letting me know that she’s on the way up and her dad wanted her to check on me. Then there she was . I let her in and we chatted a bit while I scurried about my room, tearing through my bag and looking for my outfit. My love’s daughter gave me a hug and dismissed herself so I could get ready .

Next thing I know , there’s on knock on the door again . Exasperated, I open the door. It was my love and he looked smaller and more frail then I remembered . The man I loved seemed to have wasted away in the eight months since we last saw one another. I felt like my soul had been sucked from my body looking down at us suspended in time , suddenly forced back through my heart in a single beat, the rush of blood roaring into my head. “Hey, you”, was all I could muster. I stepped back opening the door all the way. My love hesitated at the door. “Come in”, I urged. As he cautiously entered the room , I fled to the other side of the suite and into my restroom. He started talking quickly, explaining, or so he thought. I felt more like he was talking at me instead of to me. Every time I tried to interject myself into his dialogue, which was supposed to be our conversation, he spoke over me. I went past him to get something from my suitcase because he placed himself on the corner of the bed closest to my bathroom. On my way back he stood up, He implored, “Stop, come here please” , puts his arm around my waist and pulled me into him. He nuzzled his head into my neck and against my chest ; my heart is breaking but my body is rigid and begins to soften as he says , “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I never met to hurt you, Lisa. All I wanted to do, all I ever wanted to do was make you happy.” Inside it was like a bolt of lightning shot up my spine as I thought , make me happy. How could you possibly think leaving me, leaving me the way you did could make me happy? He slid down my body as he lowered himself back onto the corner of the bed , pulling me in closer to him, his head resting against my abdomen, arms wrapped around my body. He looked up at me and sadness poured from his soul as tears welled in his eyes, his beautiful mint green eyes. I pulled his head into my chest wrapped my arms around his head , running my fingers through his hair. I wanted to comfort him, I wanted to melt back into him, but I backed away . Something in the words he uttered, something in the excuses he fed me, set me burning on the inside like a wildfire out of control. I backed away, tears welled in my eyes and said to him, my voice trembling with emotion, “I trusted you with all my heart. I placed my complete and utter faith in you that you would never lie to me or mislead me. We had a plan or so I thought. We were headed towards the new land and we knew that was going to be hard. We knew we would have to fight and struggle and work together to survive but we had gone in, eyes wide open , agreeing to the task ahead of us. We were aboard a ship and you were my Captain. The skies were clear, the moon shone full and round, the seas were still and the stars shone brightly , lead ing us towards our new lives together. I was in your loving embrace, looking across the sea towards the hope and dreams that lay ahead. Then suddenly and without warning you pushed me away from your embrace and hit me with the force of a sledgehammer into the dark depths of the nowhere . I struggled to breath e, to keep from drowning, as you sailed away saying, ‘I have dreams to o Lisa.’ You left me to drown in my life, lost without my evening star to guide me. You left me to go to a kingdom far far away where everything you dreamed of was waiting for you, but I thought I was part of your dream. I thought me and my kids, your daughter and your grandkids were part of that dream.” Tears poured down my cheek and some of the words barely made it out for the tightness in my throat. There was something about not leaving me for the house. About us being part of his dream. That we were still part of his dream. That he was sorry.

“I told you I hated making decisions. I told you I never wanted to make a decision ever again in my life. When I make a decision, I make one. I decided and it was a mistake. It was a horrible mistake.” I could see the pain in his eyes as he looked up at me from the bed. Isn’t life cruel when two people can suffer so much pain for being in love with one another. He raised himself up to a sitting position reaching his hand out desperately searching for mine as we hand done hundreds of times before. His hand looking for mine blindly was one of the moments I endeared most about us. I extended my hand towards his and he gently pulled me towards his embrace. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” Sobs wracked my body. He held me tight likely I might slip away like the many months between us. Everything in me wanted to run from his embrace his lies and his truth, but every part of me longed to make his suffering stop. I gently moved away, “We have a concert to attend.” My head was swimming with all the demons that chased me with their doubts, loathing, insistently whispering, reminding me of the lies between us. My heart felt naked and rubbed raw with sand paper and doused in alcohol. My soul was on fire.

I through myself together and we called Charlsey to my room. We attempted feebly to book an Uber. Three adults with the inability to navigate the modern world, no wonder we were all so lost in this world. I called downstairs and explained to the concierge that we needed a ride to and from the concert. The concierge kindly explained, “We have a black car service.” I turned to Smiley and asked him to please go in the front pouch of my backpack and retrieve enough money to cover any expenses he believed we might incur. Together the three of us left the room. His daughter full of excitement and anticipation. I shook my head at the fact that Charlsey was oblivious to the heartache between her father and me. I watched her eager and full of anticipation as she got into the big black suv. This was a world outside of her own and she reveled in the newness and wonder of it all. We arrived at the concert late so there were no crowds or lines. We climbed the stairs to reach the level where our seats were. We had arrived just in time Kid Rock would be on stage shortly. I watched his daughter in awe of her blissfully unaware state of mind. He and I stood holding hands the hundreds or even thousands of people around us were just a stagehands and props in our concert. We were lost in the music that played between us my hand in his, his hand in mine. We talked and chatted only hearing fragments of the concert we appeared to be attending. He said sincerely, “Thank you for this. I know this isn’t your thing or even your kind of music. You could have just gotten her a ticket and we could have just stayed at the room.” Perhaps if we had actually communicated over the last couple of months then yeah maybe we could have agreed to meet her while Charlsey had attend the concert. I wondered if he really understood that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, for us, for our families. Waves of emotions spent through me to the point that I felt disconnected from reality. I considered his eyes and wondering what demons haunted the dark corridors of his mind. I wished I could just fall into his eyes deep into his mind and chase of the fear, doubt, and uncertainty from him. I desperately wished for understanding beyond our human capacity to give me the wisdom and words to make him understand the depths of my love. Smiley asked me and then his daughter if we wanted drinks. I half agreed lost in places beyond the here and now to place I shouldn’t go. He got up and looking back his hand blindly looking for mine. I half laughed at the innocent gesture I had come to miss so much in my life without him. I half wanted to cry because it was there and then it would be gone again. I followed, his hand embraced mine God how I had missed that feeling of being whole. He led me past him so he could follow behind me. Up the cold dark concrete stairs up to the platform and into the blinding light. We talked about where and what and we decided and moved towards a line. He stood in front of me until a man walked up behind me loud and boisterous. Suddenly he wrapped his hand around my waist sweeping me in front of him protectively placing his person between me and the large talkative man. When we arrived at the counter he dumb fondly admitted he had no idea what his daughter liked to drink. I laughed and shock my head it both sad and amusing that he had known his daughter for twenty seven years and knew less about her then I did in the ten or so months Charlsey and I had known one another. We ordered our drinks and headed back to our seats. The rest of the concert passed by fleetingly. He and I were lost in one another as we had been for more than two and half years we had spent being in love.

On the way out we chatted and held hands. Charlsey had been close by somewhere between the top of the stairs and the bottom we lost her. Panicked by the thought of losing his adult daughter in Charlotte fear gripped him. I was slightly amused by the fact that his daughter was twenty seven years old not seventeen. Then secondarily by the fact that I not Smiley had provided his daughter with a phone to prevent her from being stranded, alone and unable to call for help. Smiley called Charlsey and as I suspected she had just walked out of the venue and was waiting for us just outside the doors where we stood. We waved to the driver of the black car so he would not leave on stranded at the concert venue. We all piled in and headed back to the hotel over idol chit chat. When we arrived, Smiley suggested we all go have a drink on the roof top bar. We each looked over the menu and decided on our drinks. He pulled out one of my hundreds to pay the nearly hundred dollar tab. I could see the anxiety in his body and panic in his eyes as he watched me hand the hundred to the bartender. Amused, I shook my head and put my hand on top of his. Smiley looked towards the outdoor balcony and asked, “Shall we?” Charlsey followed us outside. The rain had finally stopped and the Heavens finally seemed at peace as I was. All the furniture on the outdoor balcony was wet. Cahrlsey wiped the seat and then used her butt tofinish drying a seat for me. He complained while I laughed at the two of them arguing over the seat being dry enough for me to sit down. The dark murky haze that had enveloped the world had risen back towards the heavens. The haze seemed light and translucent it wrapped itself around the near fullness of the moon. There I was in his embrace. I watched the haze slightly distorting the lights of the city. I watched the cars as the zipped through the city streets below splashing through the puddles scattered on the dark shiny pavement. Suddenly Charlsey looked awkward and out of place and excused herself from the rooftop bar to go back to her room. Her father and I assured her she didn’t have to leave but she insisted. Shortly after she left we headed back to my room.

In the morning after is when the real discussion began and the truth I had so desperately needed had finally come out. It went something like this. My love explained, “Of course I miss you, but I stay high all day long so I won’t think about you. I stay high and I fix things that what I do. I know you are my soul mate because every night when I lay down to sleep you are all I think about and my soul misses it’s other half” It is all so frustrating and maddening I think to myself. “Then why did you leave Smiley. I don’t understand. If it wasn’t for the big house in Georgia. If it wasn’t for the money. Then why did you leave,” my tone was desperate and agitated. He replied solemnly and honestly, “I just couldn’t do it anymore, Lisa. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy. All I wanted was to see you smile. Instead all I could do was watch you and your kids suffer. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened to you and your kids. Nothing I could do to change what was still happening to you. I wanted to but there was nothing I could do. I had fallen into a dark place of depression and anxiety.” I had watched it happen it happen to him. I didn’t understand the how’s or why’s as I had watched him become sullen, withdraw, sad and depressed. I had watched in the six months proceed his sudden withdraw from my life another otherwise happy man dissolve. I had witnessed his unraveling I just never fathomed that my circumstances had taken such a deep toll on him. He had become less like the man I know and more like the men I had met. “I was thinking dark and evil thoughts about harming myself and others. So I had to leave Lisa. I had to remove myself from the situation for my sanity. It wasn’t you. It was never you. You understand that right?” He moved towards me cupping my facing gently in his hands raising my face until our eyes met. “God knows I love you. I don’t just love you, I’m in love you with. There isn’t a day that has gone by day I don’t think about you and your love. I miss your love. I miss you. I just couldn’t watch you suffer anymore it was too much for me to bear.” Unfortunately, I knew what he was saying was the truth. It didn’t seem fair but life isn’t fair. I didn’t think about how the circumstances of my life that were beyond my control affected others. I mean I just deal with it but it is my reality and I have no choice in the matter. I cannot just surrender. I cannot go hide on some mountain top in Georgia and hide with the atrocities committed against my children and myself. It was my life the life God had given me and good, bad or indifferent I had to live it. I thought of our friend David and both Smiley and I knew David had killed himself because he couldn’t handle my life and what had been done to my children and myself. I didn’t want to accept the truth but I knew it wasn’t a lie. I looked at him and asked sincerely from the deepest depths of my heart, “Are you happy where you are?” He replied honestly eyes down cast, “Yes, sometimes.” I asked the question I was fearful to ask, “Do you want me to leave you alone? If your happy and you want me to leave you alone I will. I can just let it go and be in love with you but accept that we will never be together.” He pulled me in tighter he gently kissed my forehead, “No I don’t want you to leave me alone. I can’t make you any promises. I don’t know if I can but I want to come back but I need time. I need to figure some things out.” He looked at me kissed me then said, “Did you get the closure you needed?” I laughed, shook my head and simultaneously we both said, “No there is no closure.” Then I stated, “I finally have what I need, the truth.”

Journey for the Truth


Lost in a Moment

Feb 10, 2018

As I drove towards Charlotte, NC I thought of how I delayed leaving. I didn’t know if I could do this. I didn’t know if I was ready. What strange and perplexing conundrum, I had intentionally created. It had been nearly 8 months since we had seen each other last. 8 months since he had told me on a Thursday he was going to try to work things out with his wife. 8 months since the following Saturday that he said, “We are moving. I have to leave, Lisa.” I thought about my father saying, “I can feel the anxiety imitating from of you. It is palpable and stifling.” I could see myself sweeping the floor like a drug attic trying to get my fix. My dad teased me, “The next time we are at my house. Maybe I should call him. I’ll get my whole house cleaned. I stopped sweeping long enough to give him that really dad, really look. He smirked then laughed, “I’m just saying.” I paused again and said, “I don’t know if I can do this dad. I don’t know if I have it in me.” Those words kept playing over and over like a skipping record. Consumed in the madness created by him leaving us, and the whys that stalked the corridors of my mind. In my head images played like a VHS tape stuck on fast forward of our 2 and ½ years together. ‘Life is about moments, we only really get moments of happiness,’ I have told my children, ‘the rest of the time we spend living.’ Those moments were playing on repeat like the song you play over and over when your heart is broken. Laughter, joy, peace, contentment, sadness, devastation, confusion flooded me in scenario overload. The phone rang it was his daughter, “Hey I have someone who wants to speak to you.” A moment frozen in time, “Hello…”, he said. I can’t recall the rest. Only that I was suspend in time. I stopped breathing, my heart stopped pumping, my chest tightened. Something about the concert how close was I. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. Fear and panic gripped me I lied, “I’m running late. My daddy asked me to come home since I didn’t have to drive to South Carolina.” Well that wasn’t a lie. “I was delayed because of the work out the house.” Now that was a lie. I felt terrible for lying but I wasn’t ready. I had delayed and procrastinated leaving. I had initially chosen to be late. I had hoped he didn’t know I was coming. I had planned on meeting them at the concert in neutral territory where either of us fleeing would be highly unlikely. He laughed and joked about me being late as usual, like noting had ever happened, like the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months between us had never happened. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Tears welled in my eyes, that tight knott closing my throat, the road in front of me narrowed, trees blurred by me. The road became a focal point, white dots and lines pointing towards nothing and everything. I listened but not really nothing being said mattered I couldn’t have that conversation over the phone. I need to see his eyes, I needed to read his body language, I needed the truth. The truth I had spent months on the road driving back and forth to South Carolina to get. The truth I had pursued gently but relentlessly. The truth I had spent nearly $1,500.00 to hear. The call disconnected.

Giving Thanks


Just need a Christmas Miracle

Nov 20 -24, 2017

I drove home from NOVA Wednesday the 20th. The night before I called my son and asked him to go to the grocery store for me since I was still working and NOVA. So I sent him my whole long list of things I needed to make Thanksgiving diner. I was supposed to take my kids to South Carolina Friday morning 11/22 to visit my hearts mother, daughter, and grandkids. Tuesday night 11/25 my ex informs me I can't take them as planned for more then a month. "He doesn't know those people", he says. Yeah, he's right but it was ok for those people to go to Disney World with me and my kids. Huh, some people just love to HURT. 

So not only do I not get to take them to see my hearts family, but I get them Wednesday night. So my son is going to the grocery store late Tuesday night, while I'm tired and exhausted from work and well emotionally exhausted from my ex. It was kinda amusing checking to see if he and his girlfriend are getting the right things and amounts. When he told me the amount $240, I was a little shocked but take advantage of mom if she's footing the bill, right everyone else does, so my own son might as well.

He offers to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Now I taught my son to cook, he Hated me for it; but he did learn. I was hesitate but there's only one me and I am still in NOVA working until 1:30 pm and I have to drive all the way back to Richmond in holiday traffic...ugh. So he calls and he calls, asking for all my trade secrets. Traffic was bad. I got to my kids late. I had to go pay my Verizon Wireless bill so my business can function. While we are there I send my other son to Starbucks I need caffeine in my life. They deserve coca and cookies since I was late. We stop twice on the way to my other home where my son lives, to buy items he missed, so I won't strangle him.  I think OMG, how could he have missed anything with a Thanksgiving meal that cost me more then $240.

We arrive almost everything is done but my son did get the marshmallow topping right on my candied yams. Oh yeah and he wants me to make 4 pumpkin cheesecakes. He wants to take 2 to his girlfriends family for Thanksgiving. So nice of him to ask. Just inform away. I send 2 hrs cooking, after working until 1:30 pm, more then 4 hrs driving in traffic, and now I'm cooking but there's only one me, right?

Dinner was good. Turkey was very moist. His gf picked up Stove Top Stuffing which I didn't eat. She made my green bean casserole with celery, but still good. So I am Thankful...

However long my days was...

I did work

My son saved Thanksgiving dinner

My son cooked and did a good job, which means I did a good job.

Thankful I have my children together for Thanksgiving. 

That they get to stay the night

That most of my bill are caught up after the thefts.

Keep the Faith


Just need a Christmas Miracle

Nov 2 -9, 2017

So I don't know why but work has been slow. My mind is swimming after the recent theft's. I lost mortgage money, bill money, remodeling money. Suddenly my dreams of having my living space and kitchen ready for the Holidays seems more like a convoluted dream, then a reality. The fantasies I have held in my mind since this summer when I started paying for my kitchen cabinets of cooking holidays meals in my new kitchen. Serving Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to my 5 children and family are nothing more then a dream, or at least a dream for the far off and distant Holidays of 2018. I had imagined the new white Christmas tree sitting in OUR  home.

Instead it is all a disastrous mess. Bare studs and uninsulated ceilings and wall. Cold, barren and uninviting. What's worse is I am certain I can't recover from my loses to give my kids a Merry Christmas. In the aftermath of having their things stolen. It is a lot for one heart to bare do close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I discovered the mortgage initiated homeowners insurance I pay for doesn't cover theft or any personal belongings in the home.

So WE need a Christmas miracle or maybe several people grant small wishes to make it a Holiday to remember. 

Waiting for my replacement student loan card to arrive. I had to wait 7 to 10 business days after paying to have my stolen card replaced. Additionally, I can't start any claims until the card arrive because I can't access my account until I receive the replacement card. How does that make sense?

WTF


Stealing Our Hope

Oct 25 - 31, 2017

I come home early Wednesday morning from NOVA. I picked up a hitchhiking Frenchman packing across the US. I cautiously chided him and said, "You know what your doing is intrinsically dangerous, right? Not all people are nice." He cheerfully replied, "That he had been fortunate to have only met nice people such as myself in his journey thus far." We talked about my job briefly. We discussed my being a full time student. I dropped him off near interstate 95. Not to far from my home. When I walked in the door. I was like really, fucking really. Their was blown in insulation everywhere and I do mean everywhere. He didn't cover up the sink, clean dishes, the stove, nothing. I immediately looked for bags and couldn't find a dustpan but I found a piece of sheet rock. I cut my music on and start bagging up insulation instead of doing schoolwork. Thinking OMG as he slept more then half the day way. Even when he gets up he doesn't help bag up insulation. I offer to take him to get a shower. Since there is not running water in my home. YES, I said it no running water for over 2 years now. That is another story for another day. Suffice it to say the tried to charge me for more then 2000 gallons of water a day for a month. I paid to cut my water on and have my meter (which was defective tested) but the next day they didn't cut my water on instead after my phone calls, including city hall I got a call from a city employee who said I had damaged city property and stole city water. If I was going to do that why did I pay to have my services restored the night before and the same day the water was disconnected? Anyhow I offered to take him to get a shower and fresh water for drinking and cleaning. So after getting his things together we head off to my other house. 

When we arrive my oldest son is gone. His German Shepard is crated. Well, after filling all my 5 gallon jugs of water I felt empathy for the whining, whimpering dog. I look for her leash but can't find so I set her free anyways. She runs around staying fairly close to the house until it was time to leave and which point she becomes very difficult and runs off. We spend at least an hour looking for her unsuccessfully. Promise you lesson learned no more feeling sorry for the dog. She will just have to sit in her crate. Later that evening my son call distraught because I lost his girlfriends pet. Fortunately, she does return late the same evening.

The next day, Thursday he sleeps away half the day again. Then eventually he gets up and takes off to my neighbors. Eventually, late in the night and does some of my homework. Yes, I said mine because I can't do everything all by myself all the time. I try but a little fucking help would be wonderful. I'm so tired of trying so hard to barely make a difference in my own life.

Anyhow, Friday I go to the grocery store and leave around 2:30 pm. I come home and grab my pocketbook off the passengers seat. I grab all the groceries, expecting he is in the house working on an assignment, but no. I am MAD  he is no where to be found. I put all the bags of groceries down. I have to make dinner and there is insulation everywhere. I start cleaning the stove, sink and start boiling water to wash dishes. Finally, clean dishes I can start cooking the steak cutlets for chili. I continue to boil pots of water. After I brown the meat and get all the ingredients in the pot for chili I put the lid on. Then I go out to the car and get the large black bags and start bagging up the insulation. I go across the street to see if he plans on helping me but he needs to finish his Madden game. So I go back and put away groceries. Then I start bagging groceries. Eventually he comes to the house with the neighbor in tow promising to return momentarily with a snow shovel. I bagged 4 large black bags before walking back across the street and knocking on the neighbors door. With a thinly veiled rage, "If things don't change he is going to have to leave. He was not keeping his end of the deal and pulling his weight." He assures me he isn't playing the game and will be there shortly. Around 6 pm he final comes to help me bag up insulation. We clean up stray insulation in corners, caught between furniture, in tool bags, etc. We move the tool shelf back and the dinning room table before cleaning it off. Ready for the kids. 7:15 pm I need to go get the kids. I hop on the expressway toll to discover my wallet is missing, embarrassed and gripped in panic. All the cash in my wallet, credit cards, bank cards. Just stay calm it's already late, can't turn around and go back to the house have to get the kids. Just breath, I'm counting my heart is racing panic. 

My girls run up to the car excitedly telling me about their Spooktacular at school. Once the girls are in I got to pick my son up from his friends house. I explain to him my wallet is missing and we need to look for it when we get home. As we pull up we get everyone in. The girls are squawking like hungry birds. I instruct their brother to fix them a bowl of chili, chips, and a drink. I go to my room and don't immediately find my wallet. My roommate informs me he is going to have supper with the neighbors, "Stop. WE have a problem my wallet is missing. Everything is gone. I have nothing. No money, no cards, no ID." he starts looking. He asks, "Where could it be?" I reply, "The last place I had it was Food Lion when I paid cash for the groceries. That I specifically recall putting my wallet in my purse." He says, "Go to Food Lion. We will keep looking here." I drive to Food Lion they check the safe. No luck. I ask to see the footage to see if I put in my wallet or left it behind. If I may have lost it in the parking lot when I was putting my groceries away. "We have no way to view that there is currently no manager on site." The security guard comes up to me at my vehicle to tell me how attractive I am. I chuckle in my disheveled, distraught state and mention the missing wallet. As I drive home I think perhaps it fell out of my purse when I put it in the passenger seat and I didn't realize it and someone stole it out of the vehicle. My car currently locks and unlocks itself. I tried replacing the battery in the keyless remote. Tried to get the relay from Advanced Auto but no luck.

Everyone is in a panic when I come in. My son says, "where is my X-Box One, all my games, remotes, and headset. Where is the Wii U, remotes, numbchucks, classic controllers and games. It wasn't until the initial blow that I realized nearly all my real jewelry was gone as well. So just before Christmas I have had stolen approximately 3k for my home and mortgage. My kids game systems, remotes, and games. Merry F*cking Christmas and a Happy F*cking New Year to me and mine. I proably won't have money for Black Friday. I most likely won't have the money to finish the downstairs by Thanksgiving, which is the only thing I wanted for me. So much for taking myself out for New Years Eve like I had planned. 'Just keep swimming...Right?'   

A Journey of Love 


You'll Burn in His Mind

Oct 16 - 17, 2017

So we all have these moments in our life where everyone on the outside looking in says, "you're crazy" or "why would you do that". I am at present in one of those moments where you just have to see 'whatever it is' through to the end. I drove to Greenville, SC to take someone I love dearly adult daughter and 2 grandchildren 9 and 5 their fall and winter clothes I purchased along with my smaller children's from Children's Place. I also took her, her mother, her grandmother/ his mother and sent him a photobook from OUR Disney World vacation in August of this year. His daughter tried to get her x-boyfriend and father of her child to stay to meet me and talk to me about them moving here. He left before I got there apparently there are 2 street addresses that are the same in to different counties. Conversations with his daughter can be stunted as she isn't very open and she suffers from multiple anxiety disorders. 

After a prolonged engagement where she informed me her father had recently visited and taken her and his grandchildren to the fair, unfortunately; I had missed him due to unexpected financial issues. We drove to the post office and she filled out the shipping label for his photobook. Then off to his mothers we went. I am not going to lie, I had waited 2 years and almost 8 months to finally meet his mother and didn't know what to expect. I just know that she hadn't seen her granddaughter in over 5 years. The same granddaughter she had changed diapers for and kept every weekend until she was at least 9 years old. His daughter knocked and she opened the door. She peaked through the screen door before finally opening it and tearfully embracing her granddaughter. This short, slightly plump women with beautiful blue eyes picked her slightly taller but slim granddaughter up off the ground, hugging her tightly. His daughter said, "It alright, don't cry I'm here." After talking for a few moments his daughter hands her grandmother/ his mother the photo book. Then she looks at me and says, "And who are you?" I replied, "Well I had a very complicated relationship with your son." She nods her head then cuts her eyes slightly and says, "Which one?" Then I say, "Fred." She looks up to the shy and shakes her head in a slightly 'Que Sera, Sera' moment before turning back to the photobook. 

As she is turning through the pages tearfully. She said to her granddaughter, "When did you go to Disney?" She replied,"we just went in August." She stops and says to her granddaughter. "I know who these people are", referring to her granddaughter and great grandchildren. "but I don't know these people. Who are they?" His daughter looks at me and says, "That's her and her children." She stops and looks at me and says, "Where did you know Freddy from?" I reply, "Virginian. We had an over 2 1/2 year relationship." She stops, takes in a breath, looks towards the heavens, shakes her thick whitish hair and says, "Oh my, I didn't quite understand at first." She reached out and reassuringly puts her hand on my shoulder, "I'm not judging you may dear. I',m not judging you at all." She removes her hand from my shoulder waving it in the hair, " I knew he hadn't been happy for a long time. A mother just knows those things. You don't have to be told." We briefly discuss me and her sons relationship. "I told her how wherever we where, whenever we were together his hand always looked for mine, like a little blind mole, until he found it. That we were content to be in one another's presence." I assured her I would be back and next time. I would make sure to bring her granddaughter and great grandchildren by. Again she had cared for her great granddaughter every weekend for years. She was so tearful and overjoyed. I explained that I was trying to get her granddaughter and great grandchildren under one roof and that I would take care of them. At some point in her short stories about her son, granddaughter and great granddaughter. With tears in her eyes, her jaw firm and set, she looks me straight in the eye and says firmly, "your gonna burn in his mind until her realizes you are what he really wants." She paused and for clarity she grabs my right wrist pulls me slightly, "you will burn in his mind until he knows what you mean to him." As we are leaving and I reassure her I will be back with her granddaughter and great grandchildren and we would go out to eat. She gives me a big, warm, tearful hug as she lets go again she grabs my right wrist and looks me in the eye, "Don't give up on him." She tugs with a slight urgency,"Don't give up on him." I nod reassuringly, "I haven't." We drive off into the sunset, which was blinding. We drive to drop of his daughter's at a friends and I change into something more comfortable for the long drive home. 

The trip home was difficult and painful. I cried and cried. I had finally met his mother and she lovingly accepted me for all and who and what I really am. No judgement. After arriving home, I thought and thought about why it was such an emotional journey to meet his mother. I came to these conclusions: I brought home his daughter and her granddaughter,to the mother of the man I love which was long overdue. I know I will be back soon to bring home her granddaughter and great grandbabies. Equally she now knows beyond an shadow of a doubt that someone on this Earth loved her son enough to move the Sun, the Moon and the Star's with no hidden agenda just pure unadulterated love. As a mother when the end of my days are near I would feel blessed to know someone cared enough to bring my grandchildren and great grandchildren home. To know that some loved at least one of my children that much. 

My Family Time


Sometimes We Just Have to Make Time

Oct 13 -15

So encase you have looked at or read my actual posts you might have noticed a pattern. I am home every other weekend. Imagine that I am in NOVA living out of hotels more then I am ever actually home. This weekend there was no demolition and no construction. There was FAMILY time.

Friday we watched Mrs. Doubtfire which we had started on my Tuesday night home. (Yes I am home overnight every Tuesday, usually but for the next 4 weeks. I'll be home overnight every Wednesday.) So Friday I am sitting on my leather sofa with a recliner with both of my little ones. The older of the two falls asleep and I awkwardly manage to escape the well cushioned recliner, all while managing not to dump my 8 year daughter on the floor. I do not recall how much my other children weighed when they were 8, but I can say her densely muscled athletic frame is heavy. I manage to carry her to bed the way men carry women off to bed in the movies, I promise it looks way worse when the person in unconscious. I get her in the bed on the pillow and tuck her in. Then I go back to sit with my 6 year old who has an unnatural obsession with Scooby-Doo, but all kids have an obsession, be it Pokémon, Toy Story, Land Before Time or Power Rangers. There have many, many movies watched countless time in my adult life.  I digress, so my 6 year old tucks herself under my right arm as I reach around her body trying to reach my keyboard to complete my weekly assignmnets. She looks up me with her big olive green eyes through her long dark straight lashes and says, "Mommy, I wish you could get paid to take care of us. I mean so you wouldn't have to do this, as she looks at my keyboard, and you could spend all your time with us." Your heart breaks because its a grown up world and its not fair, and fairytales don't come true and happily ever afters probably don't exist. Your sad because you know that's were you should be is home raising your children but you can't. Then with a overwhelming sigh you think it isn't fair that my little ones didn't get the same MOM experience as the older ones. I reassure her as best I can. Well we had supper together, right? She nods. Then we watched Mrs. Doubtfire and mommy was right here the whole time. She kinda does this eye rolling thing and her head rocks back and forth.  Plus, we played the word game and you got all the extra words no one else found. He eyes light up and she smiles. And guess what? She replies, What? An right now you have me all to yourself and we are watching Scooby-Doo Goblin King. She snuggles in as close to my hip and side as to bodies can be with-out actually being one. 


Saturday morning I drove to my school campus and totally bombed my PreCal midterm. Yay, me... not so much but shit happens right. Trying to find balance in my life. Good reliable HELP would be a great start. That is nearly impossible to find as I am sure all you working professional are painfully aware of. After my PreCal midterm I drove to Busch Gardens Williamsburg were me and my family enjoyed Hollow-Scream. The one good thing about my car accident, where I was reared ended was that I now have a handicap pass for Disney World, Busch Gardens and Water Country USA so no standing in line... Awesome. We do have to wait, usually, as long as everyone else just not inline. We usually get to ride all the rides in the park at least once. We also got to do most of the haunted attractions. In the corn one they got me several times but I was the head of the group and the space was tight confined and dark. My little ones were troopers 6 and 8. Me and 4 of my 5 kids shared a smoked turkey leg like a pack of ravenous wolves. The salty, slighty greasy deliciousness of smoked turkey legs, well there just aren't words. I wonder if you can do that to a whole turkey...? Of course I don't know if smoked white meat is quite a delectable as dark meat. We didn't get home until after midnight. 

My Life

My Home Remodeling Adventure - My Other Job

Home Remodeling

Aug 4- 6 2017

In my 1950's home I recently tore down to load bearing walls. When I say, I don't mean a watched some man do it for me. No, I got out the tools. First of all my 1950's home actually has real 2x4's, which me they are rough cut not planed down. Even better they are red oak which is hard as a m*ther beeper. So I had a circular saw, can't remember the name of the other saw, 15 lb sledge hammer, claw hammer, razor knife for sheet rock, and a crowbar. That sh*t was hard and I did have some help, especially since the 2x's were notched into the floor. 

Next I had to build a 2 headers and cradles spanning over 15 feet. What's was worse is the floor joists over lapped were I took down the load bearing wall. So, I had to join together 3 - 2x10's that were over 15 feet long. So I had to get a bell lift in my house, joy. There are stairs from the city sidewalk to my sidewalk and stairs going up my porch, OMG. Got it in but my house is small, currently only 1000 sq ft, hence taking down walls. Everything is in my house because, well that's where I live when I'm not in NOVA. We have to move everything, everytime. I stayed covered in insulation and dry wall dust perpetually. I don't have a shop vac,yet...(hint, hint ;) Swept a gazillion times I'm sure cutting away sheetrock, ceiling sheetrock falling down, because it was like F*ck IT, I've had enough. You can't lift a header of that size and make sure it levels the upstairs floor with-out a machine, even a basic one. The one I rented for $200 a week held up to 650lbs. 

I built with help 2 headers and cradles. I cut out two completer door frames and moved one to were I built, all by my lonesome a door frame and header...because I'm awesome. Then I took the double doors from my old house and built a whole new door frame and header. I needs help hanging the doors. 

So long story short. I tore down two complete load bearing walls in my home. I built two complete headers in my home and someone else put 2 lags on both sides of the headers for support, makes a big difference for a total of 28 lags where each header was put in. I cut out 2 door frames. Then built two door frames. Hung tow doors with help. Gutted my bathroom except two walls, because of the electrical wiring, and the tub still needs to come out. I have torn down part of the actual wood floor that someone put on my ceiling, yes I said ceiling on my back porch. Red oak at that, I just want to know why. Tore down a wall back there to. My help moved the water heater, rewired some of the old, fire hazard wire, and some blown breakers.

And that gentlemen is why I was gone for so very long. I hope I do not have to stay away that long again. Pics soon. 


The Adventures in Remodeling

My Home Remodeling Adventure - My Other Job

Home Remodeling

Sept 29 - Oct 1

So as one can imagine when tearing down walls and ceilings there is a lot of construction debris. I had huge piles of limber, wire, pipes, dry wall and bags upon bags of insulation cluttering up my front and backyard. Maybe should have rented another 40 yards dumpster, but yah. So my adventure in home remodeling this trip was. 1) Reserve a box truck. I got a 15' box truck. 2) Rent a storage unit. 3) Pick-up box ruck. 4) Load all the construction debris in the 15' truck. (I did with help and filled it and I do mean filled.) 5) Remove as much as the furniture I could live with-out from my home. I also removed most of my old kitchen cabinets. (It feels like a very strange paradox to pack up your life and remove it but not actually move.) Filled the truck up again. 6) Drove to the storage unit paid an OMG amount of money and they said the second month was a $1. Not after all the hidden and undisclosed fees. 6) Drive nearly an hour away to get my new kitchen cabinets. Handle cabinets with kid gloves. 7) Drive back to the house to load dishwasher, washer and dryer. (truck is full again.) 8) Drive to the storage unit to unload. 8) My day is finally done 7 am - 8:30 pm of straight busting my ass.) 9) Got up early to return the box truck. Someone forgot to sweep it out. (which is a pain in the ass if you haven't had to sweep the reminders of construction debris out of a box truck.) Delivered and partial refund on the deposit they held. Do schoolwork. Cook for the kids. Do more schoolwork.